you did not! For days you've been huddled in a corner, waiting, listening, hoping it reached something.
you hoped to hear, to perceive beyond the wall of sound.
But nothing has happened.
You can not do without to think that everything happens when it no longer makes sense.
any response will come when you are not interested to do anything and you do because now it will not matter.
At most, what they will draw will be a feeling of satisfaction, knowing that what I felt really happened.
's dark and nobody can see you.
's dark and no one remembers you.
There is a big party down in the country, but no one notices your absence.
"There is nothing wrong with that" you repeat in, but in time your heart explodes and you do not know how to reassemble it.
"Pride covers all sins", you remember those words spoken by someone on television, not good if you know a movie or some broadcast on Sunday, I appreciate the truth.
Behind the curtains of your room look at the snow coming down, everything is wrapped in a stuffy white is like having a lot of padding in the throat.
think again: "... sad." The thought is interrupted even in your head, you cry, because it is incomplete as you remember those words perfectly.
remember perfectly the truth of those words ... How many words that kept
ignite, because nobody knows, nobody come into your life and to commiserate and to condemn.
Why not pass that feeling in his hands, since you were little more than a child you can not explain it. Of course you know you feel guilty for this as well. The hands, your hands, which when you cry? They feel?
Logs, small notebooks and diaries full of everything and full of nothing ...
Between the lines, sometimes we read a hope, some dream. How many times in those stories you were giving a tone, to appear different even to yourself.
How many times have you heard that others did the portrait of you, his eyes hidden by your knees. How many times have you wishing there was a fund of truth in those speeches, he hoped, as it already and hope also that it was useless, useless.
for a while 'really learned how to be different ... do you remember?
mask that was a beautiful, almost perfect, so that even the notte riuscivi a toglierla via dal volto.
Tra poco ci sarà una gita. Già, una gita hanno invitato pure te, che fai non vai?
Sai perché ti hanno invitato? Certo che lo sai. Così qualche battuta per declinare l'invito, un sorriso e poi il silenzio.
Ancora affiorano i ricordi...fuori al bar con qualche amico. Ti concentrasti su quei due estranei seduti al tavolo, te lo ricordi? Che pensasti? Gli altri non notarono il tuo sguardo e continuarono a parlare tra di loro.
"... con te é diverso", anche quella frase ti venne in mente. Subito capisti che nessun legame é paragonabile a un legame di sangue. Tu resti comunque una estranea. Ricordi?
Anche allora ti si gelò il sangue nelle vene, anche fuori that bar, despite the past, but you controllasti not give it to you left and see a smile on your face, like a grimace.
All they tell you things you think are not absolute, there is no absolute truth. But why should things suddenly you know you crush anyone explain. None really, because of flood of words you have heard of improvised psychologists and how.
Remember that bed? You were sitting with your knees bent and what happened to time over the walls?
Did the tremor in his hands, but did not say anything, I checked, he thinks a bit ', they did so.
Once, you did a great act of courage. You opened the doors of your room in half unknown. The said: "Join." If your madre avesse saputo lo stato in cui era ridotta quella camera, di certo te l'avrebbe impedito. Gli facevi strada, gli sorridevi ed eri serena. Era il giorno in cui decidesti di indossare la maschera, ma senza esserne consapevole. Ti parve di fare un gesto di grande fiducia verso il prossimo. Difatti non permettevi neppure ai tuoi di entrare nella tua camera e quel giorno il tuo spazio era un totale caos, ci voleva coraggio. Era un modo per dire:" vuoi conoscermi? ecco io sono così! Quello che vedi é parte di me." La tua stanza é sempre stata lo specchio di quanto avevi dentro. Avevi detto la verità in quel momento.
A distanza di anni, mi chiedo se in fondo ti penti di quel gesto o se invece ne vai fiera. Se ti conosco un po', so che non wouldst give me an answer that exclude the other. It would be a little bit and a bit '. As a child, when things were not going as you wanted, you made a fuss, you desperate and no one could calm down. Spend a few hours in closed room. We used to pretend nothing in the kitchen, but we wondered if it was just left alone. When some of us tried to come closer, you barked ... !
What were you doing alone? He always had a sheet over his face, wet with tears, clenched fists and a lot of anger. Not much has changed you? Yet I know that you feel guilty for being so, because now the door to your room, never open to anyone, does not allow anyone to enter. Sometimes you feel strong and as you walk down the street, you say in the head: "What do others know about me?" Feel a sense of security, the barriers are not simply pull up the walls, but defenses, to prevent losing yourself. Give up the world to be different and I think you know this very well. Then there was that day when you felt really change. Inchinasti his head, wanting to use a metaphor, you joined the church. People would listen to talk, maybe even too much for your liking and you understood that the fault was in you. It was a discovery for you. You have lived a good part of your life always feel a sense of guilt for the most trivial things. You felt relieved to feel human, like anyone else. You seemed a way to share, to start over again. You were enthusiastic, but at the beginning, was not good to show others. Do not tap even when his hands and sang throughout the Mass, had pasted a smile, almost a laugh, because you were ashamed, it was something so different from you, away from your way of being. Until then you have not started to believe in what they were doing.
Until there's a new day, this day, where your face is still covered with a sheet, the mirrors are the features that make running the house, because you do not want to see you, do not want to forgive you. You have a sense of guilt again, but deeper. You wonder how it is possible that all those words, that listening, that walking is not enough. How is it possible that there is no tiny step forward. Why, in your case, not enough credit for getting?! Your faith has become thinner than the sole of a sandal from the sea. Your usual truth confirmed, as is mean to recognize it, you did not know that infuses even denied this time. Do not have made it!
What's left are memories. The parts of your life when you seemed to have it all. Enough smiles, racing, cycling, sun, to make you feel good. A feeling of wellbeing that you've never been able to communicate to others and you felt someone die when you said gravely: "What are you sad today?" It becomes at that moment ... sad and more angry! Remember
gli abbracci che credevi durare per sempre, piccola scema. La complicità e le risate che sembravano farti morire. Ricorderai le stelle rifugio di ogni notte, contenitore dei tuoi pensieri prima di chiudere gli occhi... Quante volte hai sognato di raggiungere le stelle, ti ricordi?! E con quel pensiero prendevi sonno.
L'altalena, la tua giostra preferita. Ti sentivi libera quando ci andavi... volavi sempre più in alto e respiravi manco fossi in cima alle montagne. Il mare, quanta paura che ti faceva, ricordi?
La mano di tua madre, tutte le volte in cui stando male l'hai stretta e ti sembrava che il dolore fosse sparito. Ricorderai le notti passate sveglia per la gioia, la gioia... Non dimenticherai mai l'estate! Ricorderai il bagnetto as a child, the test under water in the bathtub to beat your brother, the foam in the eyes and the anguish of not resisting enough. Remember the early days of school, when he was a party, racing in the bathroom to wash his hands while he smoked pot of pasta at the table. You remember the struggles on the bed with your brother, your friends with the people you loved. Remember the
down in the park on summer evenings, the adrenaline when playing hide and seek, if you ended up under the first count, you ended up there more cops-robbers! With the eyes of a child, you seemed huge park in the dark of night. Do you remember school trips, those with friends in the days of Easter, May 1, when it was enough few miles away to feel truly free. Remember always come home dirty ground, the hair washing shampoo and the scent of vanilla and then again outside with their friends, a pair of jeans, a shirt with short sleeves in summer make.
The sea off season, walking barefoot with jeans in the know. You remember that night in St. Benedetto del Tronto, when you removed your shoes and you started running towards the shore shouting, just for the pleasure of hearing the water. Remember the sketches? And the laughter? You remember the games with the waves when you should not give way to the sea ... When you reflected in the moon, that moment when you thought it was just you and no one could touch. Think back to the morning in front of funny the mirror, the laughter that you were alone in thinking that you imagined you could do to those who only ... Remember all the times you've been given confidence and above all trust. Remember the pleasure of sleep soon after a race ... Remember the weariness of an evening full of laughter. Remember
scents, salt, spring flowers, the earth soaked by rain and air of Christmas ... I wake up all together in one giant bed ...
Now excuse me I gotta go, I tell my friend that "it's cool to be sad !"...
